Stop the presses – Paris Hilton has actually made a true statement! (even if she didn’t actually say it)

Ok ok, I hate to admit it publicly, but one of my dirty little secrets is that I enjoy reading celebrity news. Especially when said news relates to the idiotic things celebrities do and/or say. Now I typically try to avoid Paris like the plague, but she provided us with quite a little gem of a quote. Or rather, the Associated Press incorrectly reported that she made this statement, which goes a little something like this:

GAUHATI, India (AP) — With Rwanda off her charity calendar, Paris Hilton has turned her attention to the plight of … drunken elephants in India.

“The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them,” the 26-year-old socialite was quoted as saying by the World Entertainment News Network’s Web site.

What a noble cause Paris. Unfortunately, when Paris went on the Ellen show this week to promote all her glorious products and, um, fabulous career and stuff, she firmly denied that she had given the original quote, saying:

Paris: I read that too and I was like, how would an elephant get alcohol in the first place. Why would I talk about that. Why would I care if an elephant got drunk? Can an elephant get drunk? I’ve never talked about that in my life.

Ellen: You’ve never heard about it? Nothing?

Paris: No, I didn’t even know an elephant could get drunk. I don’t even think they can still.

Oh no Paris! Hasn’t anyone ever told you to go with your first instinct? Second-guessing always lands you in the proverbial crapper. Because elephants can actually get drunk, and I have proof, thanks to haha.nu, which has posted a clip from a documentary that shows elephants, giraffes, ostriches and all kinds of animals getting tanked on the over-ripened fruit of a African Amarula tree. So there!

The lesson to be learned from all this is that only when the AP gets a story wrong can Paris say something right. So sad.

Before getting it on with your lover, how about a quick snack?

I love advertisements, but this one is just wacky. Who in their right mind wants to eat immediately before doing the nasty? Or alternatively, who gets turned on by giant snack packs coming into the bedroom to watch you do the nasty?

[Thanks Adfreak]

Brits make most brilliant move since…well, ever

The Westminster City Council, which has decided that 10,000 gallons of piss on its city’s streets each year is just one gallon too many, has set up a most ingenious text-messaging service. Simply text the word “toilet” and you’ll get a response with the location of the nearest public loo.

This is simply brilliant if you ask me. My one question though: do you really need to have a national organization devoted to toilets?

Oh you crazy Brits, I do love you.

High on life, Canada produces 2010 Olympics mascots

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a…sasquatch? With fluffy blue earmuffs? And galoshes? WTF?

Yes, some Canadians put down the bong long enough to draw us some, um, lovely sketches of the 2010 Olympic mascots — Sumi the “Thunderbird,” Quatchi the Sasquatch, and Miga the Sea Bear. Is this Canada or the mystical land of Orija, where animals wear ugly clothes, get tattoos, style their hair into mohawks (or maybe it’s just a cowlick?) and wink at you?

I guess it’s not that weird to make up animals for Olympic mascots though. I mean, Beijing has decided to reinvent the Captain Planet crew as cuddly looking teddy bear things. What, don’t believe me? Look at these bad asses (and they cost a pretty penny too if you want to buy stuffed animals or keychains or whatnot). Hopefully, they actually can take pollution down to zero, because that city is DISGUSTING.

[Thanks Boing Boing!]

Did I ever mention how much I love the holidays?

Two words: Bah humbug.

Webby Awards names 12 most influential web videos of all time

I’ve never gotten into online videos like some of my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have spent many an hour on YouTube or Google Video. And there have definitely been many hidden gems among the piles of nonsense and online porn. I am definitely in the camp that suggests online videos are playing an important role in society currently, especially in changing our ideas of what an “author” is and encouraging diversity of ideas.

I think the Webby Awards agree with me, as they have acknowledged the 12 most influential online videos spanning from 1996 to 2006. Any organization that recognizes a fat kid dancing around his room with a pole and pretending it’s a light saber or a chicken that does whatever you tell it to do gets the thumbs up in my book. I just can’t believe they didn’t include this video, one of my favorites of all time:

It’s time to buy me some presents people!

**UPDATE** Ok, screw the red version. I just found a black 160 GB on Buy.com for $70!! I couldn’t say no. Sorry boys, you’ll just have to shower me with diamonds and Lexuses this Christmas.

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Our friends at Engadget have come out with their yearly gift guides for him and for her. And since I know at least one person reading this blog is uber-rich and wants to buy me a kick-ass Christmas present, I’d like to offer you a beautiful option from their holiday guide.

Behold, the WD Passport, a 250GB portable hard drive in five different colors! (I want the red one por favor).

So I humbly beg my audience to consider purchasing this for me this upcoming holiday season, as my 3 1/2-year-old G5 has reached capacity and I need someplace to move a large amount of files. Yes, I know I c0uld just go out to Best Buy and purchase myself some ugly, lame external hard drive on my own, but it wouldn’t be nearly as colorful – or as portable – as the Passport.So buy away my friends, and I will pay you back in cookies and my eternal love…or maybe just cookies.

GTalk, AIM, MSN, Meebo, ICQ, Yahoo! Messenger, oh my… god, will you stop already?

As we are all acutely aware of by this point, the face of interpersonal communication has undergone quite a transformation in the last decade. I still clearly remember the thrill of chatting with friends and strangers (and, unfortunately, perverts) more than 10 years ago when I first signed up for AOL. Today, we have a ridiculous number of options in online chatting capabilities, from the old standard AIM, to the more international MSN, to the tech nerdy ICQ and the current obsession of my friends, GTalk. One would think these platforms would all be integrated by now so that when I sign into GMail, my AIM list magically appears under my GChatting buddies. Makes sense, doesn’t it? After all, Yahoo! Messenger and MSN integrated more than a year ago. And I know Google never likes it when Microsoft (or Yahoo! for that matter) beats them to the punch.

Well, for those of you dying to maintain all seventeen of your chat lists in one central location, I do have some good news for you. Google and AIM are currently working out some kinks and expect to launch AIM in GMail “in the near future,” whatever that means.

Alternatively, for those who have yet to hear about Meebo, this site actually does allow you to bring in your contacts from MSN, Yahoo!, GTalk, AIM, ICQ and Jabber in one, big, AIM-looking list. It’s a rather blah-looking site, without the charm of GTalk in my opinion (and, of course, without having your email right there to check and send messages). For me, I’ve pretty much abandoned AIM, although there are a few friends on it who I don’t talk to via GChat. But overall, I prefer just my GTalk.

I wonder if government employees who can’t sign into GMail can sign into Meebo…that would be quite the gem.

[Thanks, TechCrunch]

Twits twitter twins twice

Dear Twitter,

You are quite a mysterious SNS. I’m slightly confused by you. Your sole purpose is to accumulate the equivalent of Facebook statuses from all members, even though most have no connection whatsoever, and post them in a neverending list? Very interesting. I’m intrigued. Enough so that I decided to join your little site today in my continuing effort to master the world of social networking online. I have yet to see your true significance, little site, so you better work hard to impress me or I may have to drop you like a bad habit.

Sincerely,

Vitak

Trent Lott retiring; Strom Thurmond rolling over in grave; intelligent people around the country rejoicing

Oh Trent Lott, you poor thing, don’t cry. I know it’s hard maintaining a sense of pride after you continually manage to stick your foot in your mouth every time you open it. But retiring a year early? Has it really been that hard on you? I mean, as far as I know, no one has accused you of soliciting a cop for sex or being involved in the disappearance of a young intern with whom you had an affair. Somehow, you managed to recover from those, um, remarks you made at Strom Thurmond’s 100th birthday party five years ago. And after all that, you give up now? I’m so disappointed in you. Maybe you’re just jumping on the bandwagon of people connected to Bush leaving their positions? I can understand the urge to do so. But if Thurmond came back from the dead and jumped off a bridge, would you follow him?

Lott’s reason, you ask? A simple, “It’s time for us to do something else.” A word to the wise, Mr. Senator. When you return to your lovely home state of Mississippi to do something else, be careful of what comes out of your mouth. I like to live by the motto of thinking before I speak. You should try it some time.

Meanwhile, I’ll be doing a happy dance, along with most of the rest of the country. Later, sucka!

Oh, so that’s what you’re supposed to do with pot? I thought you just watched it burn like incense.

Even though I live in the political capital of the world, I’m typically not one to comment on political ongoings. In fact, my general dislike toward politics is most likely derived from living in a city for most of my adult life where life revolves around who’s in office, which party you belong to, and which political connections you have.

However, even I feel the need to comment sometimes on the more humorous and idiotic things that politicians do. In this case, I’d like to focus on what to me was a humorous comment by democratic candidate Barack Obama (although I’m sure the Republicans are having a field day on how “idiotic” it was of him). Last week, Obama revealed that while he wasn’t proud of it, he had indulged in some drug use while a teenager. First of all, how many people out there are actually proud of their drug use? Although I understand why he said it, that is just plain silly.

The humorous part comes from Obama’s subtle jibe toward Bill Clinton and his nonsensical comment during the ‘92 campaign about not inhaling. Obama commented, “The point was to inhale. That was the point.” Ohhh, I get it now. You use drugs to get high? And here I was confused all these years about why you smoked pot, or did any drugs for that point.

I applaud Obama’s honesty in revealing past drug use, and I strongly believe that minor indiscretions from one’s past should not be held against him (if that was the case, then we wouldn’t have our current president, now would we?). It makes Obama human, for god’s sake. He grew up in a time of experimentation, free love, and all that other 60s/70s craziness. I think a little pot smoking says a lot less about one’s moral character then, for example, Rudy Giuliani, who’s one what, his 17th wife? And I don’t even think that should prevent Guiliani from becoming president (although I may have to move to Canada if that happens).

Of course, the Republicans are bound to have a grand old time ripping into Obama for his honesty, something they are not very familiar with. “Smooth Talkin’ Mitt Romney,” as the DNC likes to call him, pounced first, saying, “I think it’s important for us not to go into details about the weaknesses and our own failings as young people for the concern that we open kids thinking that it’s ok for them.” And how exactly was Obama making drug use seem ok? Did he later parade around, kissing babies while whispering in their ears how awesome drugs are? No, he admitted he made a mistake, which is more than a lot of candidates seem capable of doing.

So while I have yet to seriously consider any of the potential candidates, I think the American public as a whole would benefit if they followed Obama’s lead and worked more on being honest and less on spinning words and talking in circles.

The headset for when your 13-year-old daughter wants to steal the car and talk on her cellphone hands-free

For the last 10 years, since I first decided I wanted a career in the communications/media industry, I’ve dealt with the question of diversity. Do more options make for a better experience? For example, the case of media consolidation is always a hot topic. As the power within the media pours into fewer and fewer hands, will this lack of diversity in ownership lead to a worse experience for the consumer?

However, this is my personal blog, so I will leave my deep insights and brilliant thoughts to my other, more professional blogs. Here I focus on the fun, silly, and dumb aspects of technology.

Today’s winner is the Hello Kitty and Chococat Bluetooth headsets. Now I do not have children, but if I did, I would certainly not be buying them cell phones before they are teenagers, let alone buy them headsets. Why does a child need a headset? What could they possibly be doing that required they use their phone hands-free? Maybe this is for those kids in DC who like to steal cars and then leave them burning on the side of the road. Now they can retain a sense of morals, knowing they are only breaking one law by stealing the car, and not two by not using a hands-free device.

We have got to stop turning our children into adults at such a young age. They do not need adult gadgets like cell phones, PDAs and the like while they are in elementary school. Let children be children for god’s sake. They should be climbing trees and playing tag, not texting their friends down the street or strutting around the house with a headset on so they can be like daddy (albeit a much more stylish daddy). Sometimes I feel like my generation was the end of the era, before technology ruled our lives. While I freely admit I am addicted to technology now, I am forever grateful I was free of it (for the most part at least) until my teenage years.

[Courtesy of Engadget]

Mr. T pities the fool who doesn’t play World of Warcraft

How can you not love Mr. T? First, there was his role as the “baddest man in the world,” Clubber Lang, on Rocky III. Then, there was a four-year stint on The A-Team, a show about a group of ex-army men who somehow never managed to learn how to shoot a gun. I’m not really sure what he did over the next decade, but he worked his way back into our hearts with his guest appearances on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, where he shared with us his deep, dark celebrity secrets.

As if that wasn’t enough, now Mr. T has become a spokesman for the MMORPG “World of Warcraft.” Who would’ve thought that such a big, muscley, gold-encrusted man would have a soft spot in his heart for video games? Just another reason to love the man, the legend, the T.

Japanese robots: making everyday cleaning so much damn cuter

By now we are all aware of the Japanese love of robots. They make robots to serve every possible purpose. Knowing this, it was only a matter of time before they invented a ladybug robot that both cleans public bathrooms and talks to you while you, um, take care of business. The ever-so-cute Lady Bird, due out in 2009, will scrub floors and keep bathrooms looking neat and clean. Sensors will allow it to avoid patrons as they walk through the bathroom. And if the urge grabs you to ask the Lady Bird some questions, like how bad traffic is on the highway, it will have programming to allow for limited conversation.

Man, I love the Japanese. Not only have they brought me the joys of Final Fantasy, but now they make my life easier, and for the low, low cost of $32,000!

And just in case you’re keeping score in what I like to call the “Robot Wars”, this makes it Japan 13,465, USA 1 (courtesy of the carpet-cleaning Roomba).

[Courtesy of Engadget]

I know people eat a lot on Turkey Day, but this is just ridiculous

As I procrastinate in getting ready to drive to my parents’ house, I’m sorry to admit I have on MTV’s True Life competitive eating episode. I’ve been fascinated/disgusted by competitive eating for years. I remember watching Fox’s Glutton Bowl in abject horror back in 2002. After about five minutes, I grabbed a pad of paper and started taking notes because I was so enraged by Fox. I then published this opinion article in my school’s newspaper, and to my amazement, even got a letter to the editor from a world doughnut eating champion.

Well, if you’ve just been aching to watch overindulgence taken to the extreme, fear not my friends, because another producer of quality programming, Spike TV, will be airing the Turkey Bowl tonight. This is no flag football game, but in the words of the website, it will be a food eating competition where “gastronomic gladiators will pound down food as fast as possible.”

God help us all. After collapsing on the couch in a tryptophan-induced food coma, the last thing I want to do is watch grown men eat more in 10 minutes than my entire family ate for dinner. Can we please just stop with this debacle?