Picture of the Day: Oh my, I think I have an admirer!

Thanks to haha.nu for posting this love letter that is obviously being sent to me.

To answer my new boyfriend’s questions:

1) It is never too early to start holding hands, as long as you keep your eyes on my face. And as long as you don’t have a sweat problem. I can’t stand it when people sweat on my hands. That is unforgivable.

2) If by the “honey point” you are referring to the point where I can cover you in honey and leave you hanging from a tree outside on a hot summer day to see what kinds of fun insects you collect, then yes, we’ve reached that point. Otherwise, I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

3) Oh no, you’re not rushing me at all. In fact, I think you’re going a little slow. To make up for that though, you can shower me in gifts such as new cars, diamond jewelry for me to sell on eBay, a new computer and anything else that has a high resell value.

And in reference to your final statement my dear, dear Jonathan, I’d like to ease your concerns about not having a lot of girlfriends. I’ll be the best teacher you ever had, especially if you remember that the safety word is “banana.”

Picture of the Day: Why I’m not a parent

Now where did I put that baby?

Picture of the Day: Why will people never understand techno?

I love electronic music. I remember the first techno CD I bought at the tender age of 14 — Messiah’s “21st Century Jesus” — and I would listen to it on repeat constantly. Well, that and Sarah McLachlan’s “Fumbling Toward Ecstasy” — and yes, I realize that’s a very strange combination, but, hey, I was a strange kid.

I feel that I must constantly defend my love of techno. People just don’t understand its musical contribution or how anyone can listen to such repetitive beats. No matter what I say, I can’t convince the vast majority of my friends to give techno a chance. So when I saw this xkcd.com comic strip this week, I had a good laugh, as it quite accurately summarizes the problem I encounter when talking to a friend about techno.

Picture of the Day: Security threats go pastel to celebrate the arrival of spring

Living in DC, the Homeland Security security threat level is always present in some form. People living here don’t seem to have any concern for the fact that we’ve had a heightened threat level for most of our lives, which makes me wonder if we’d even notice if something really bad actually happened.

Anyway, the standard color-coded threat level scale is harsh, mainly primary colors. Red is bad, blue is good. So boring! With spring in the air and cherry blossoms a-blooming, the folks over at Wired decided the scale needed a spring cleaning, and I completely agree. So without further ado, I give you the new and improved Homeland Security Threat Level Scale!

My favorite is definitely the Snorkel Azure, although Rococco is a close second. I’m sending emails to Homeland Security to suggest they post scratch-and-sniff versions on all Metro trains and buses.

Picture of the Day: Teach your children about discipline from an early age

Kids are often bad. They need discipline in their lives. But discipline usually isn’t very fun. Certainly not as fun as say, COLORING! But discipline needs to be instilled in children, and from an early age, if it is to be successful. What a conundrum for parents.

Thanks to a new coloring book, this confusion is history!

The Torture Device Coloring Book offers the best of both worlds: (1) pictures that need coloring and (2) images to scare the living crap out of your children so much that they will never act up again.

The lessons start from the first page which warns children that they “will be punished” if they don’t stay within the lines. Maybe the Republican party should adopt this book to train children to follow their ways. Hmm…

The book has 20 images of various torture devices, each accompanied by a witty little poem. Here’s one of my favorites:

Scratch your back / Scratch your side / Scratch until / You see inside.

So buy it today for the low, low price of just $3.44 (download) or $8.85 (paperback) and start cracking the whip over your children’s heads!

[Thanks Boing Boing!]

Picture of the Day: This is (sadly) my life

Enough said:

[Thanks to the ever-awesome xkcd!]

Picture of the day: I think I need to drop out of grad school and start a Nintendo-based baking business

First I found my dream wedding cake (that is if I ever actually got married – ha!). Then I discovered how to make “8-bit cookies” like Tetris boards (see my blog post from last month). And now, well, I only have one word for my latest discovery: W-O-W.

As you may know, I am an avid baker, even going so far as to contemplate a career if I hadn’t decided to sink my life savings into adding a “Dr.” to my name (I mean, really though, who doesn’t want to be called Doctor? And Dr. Vitak has such a fabulous ring to it.).

Well, all these delicious baked good based off Nintendo games I keep finding online could give me that push I need to change careers. Well, not really, but I do want to try to make these cupcakes. It actually wouldn’t be too difficult — more time-consuming than anything else. Maybe in four months or so, when I actually have a minute of free time, I’ll give them a whirl.

[Thanks Boing Boing!]

Picture of the Day: Possibly one of the weirdest mashups ever

So mashups. Usually, this involves taking two complementary items, whether it is software or music, and squishing them together to form a new item. For example, as I mentioned yesterday, Google Maps and Twitter mashed up for Super Tuesday. Pretty cool, eh?

Sometimes, however, mashups can occur between two completely unrelated items. This usually doesn’t work out. Peanut butter and dog food, for example, do not equal a delicious mashup. Here I present you with one of the few examples I have ever come across that successfully mashes two unrelated items so well that the person decided to ink it on his/her respective body FOREVER.

Hello Kitty, meet Darth Vader:

Now the only question that remains is what to call this adorable little death-bringer. Hello Vader? Darth Kitty? Decisions decisions.

NASA must have seen my blog and decided to copy me…dirty bastards

My inner science geek is doing a happy dance, as I just discovered an awesome website hosted by NASA that features a picture of the day (not unlike myself, when I feel so inclined to post my pictures of the day). Anyway, as expected, the site uploads a new celestial image each day, and I must say, some of them are mind-blowing: exploding stars, solar eclipses by other planets, distant galaxies, and the like. When I see pictures like this, I tend to think space is much better looking than Earth (sorry Captain Planet).

Here’s the picture of the day from Saturday, where you can see Venus *and* Jupiter on the horizon at dawn. So awesome.

Library of Congress jumps on the social networking bandwagon, creates mega-Flickr account

I still have yet to jump onto the Flickr bandwagon, but For example, I recently blogged about a woman who used her Flickr account to demonstrate how she makes “8-bit cookies” with patterns from our favorite Nintendo games (among other things).

The Library of Congress, which houses information on just about everything to have ever occurred anywhere at any time, has created a Flickr account and uploaded more than 3,000 images that fall into one of two categories: “News in the 1910s” and “1930s-40s in Color.” You should check out this site if you have any interest in history from a visual perspective, or if you just have some time to kill. I like this one of a woman sitting outside Union Station, as it looked 65 years ago.

Picture of the Day: This is how I feel about children (in a nutshell)

Ahh, children. Such joyful creatures aren’t they? Hah! In my opinion, anyone who holds such a sentiment needs a mental health evaluation stat. Since a young age, I have been compiling a list of reasons why I shouldn’t have children. I’m currently at #13,267: “I’d rather be spending that $300,000 on myself!”

Needless to say, I’m not too fond of the little buggers. However, just in case my dear sister happens to be reading my blog, please note that I do love her little buggers (although that is primarily because I have to).

Today I came across this glorious image, and thought it summarizes my opinion of children quite succinctly. Thanks to List of the Day for the image.

Picture of the Day: An MP3 player to encourage criminals to rob you + a taser gun to render them unconscious

Mashing up two typically unrelated products is a relatively common occurrence as lazy people lacking the creativity to invent new products get bright ideas that people will want to buy a 2-in-1 product, even if they already own the two individual products. An easy example of this is the increasingly common appearance of music players on cell phones. Why carry around an iPod and a cell phone, these companies ask, when you can have a cell phone that stores significantly less music and offers a much poorer quality of sound?

As silly as I find this, it can’t compare to the product I discovered today, which combines an MP3 player with a TASER GUN. Offered in a stylish leopard print, this gun is (obviously) geared toward women, who are more likely to get jumped while walking down a dark alley in a short skirt while listening to Celine Dion’s greatest hits. I understand what they’re aiming for with this, but haven’t we gotten a little taser-happy in the last year? There are women who have taken to selling taser guns to other women much in the same way they sold tupperware during the 90s. There’s been extensive media coverage over police and security being too trigger happy with taser guns. And now we’re turning tasers into a fashion accessory no women should be without.

What’s next? Maybe there’ll be a product that helps silence friends and relatives who talk too much. It could be a pen on one side and a blow gun on the other, coming with five free tranquilizer darts. Hmm, I wonder if I should work on the patent before someone steals it from me. Gotta run!

Picture(s) of the Day: Shaking babies, eating cats…sounds like my kind of man!

Here at Welcome to Oblivion, I like to both entertain and educate you. So, for today’s education, let me reinforce that it is bad to shake babies. If you do so, your face might freeze like this guy’s (and you’ll probably go to jail for murder, but that’s beside the point).

Strangely, this guy really looks like my friend Tom. And as if the fear of having your face frozen wasn’t enough, here’s what happened to Tom after he shook that poor crash test dummy baby to his heart’s content:

So children, what have we learned today? That’s right: Don’t shake babies or you might get eaten.

Picture of the Day: Cooking for fecalphiliacs

Poor Winnie the Pooh, he is the butt (pun intended) of so many jokes. And this one is certainly no exception.

I love cooking, but I think I may just have to pass over this cookbook.

Pooh, you’re looking a little constipated in this picture. Are you sure those are chocolate chips in that batter?

Picture of the day: Even whales get into the holiday spirit

Even though environmentalists are up-in-arms about how the Japanese have offered the final humiliation to these beluga whales by placing Santa hats on their heads, I still find this picture oddly endearing. The whales certainly seem to be enjoying the attention. The one of the left looks like he’s just gotten the best fin massage ever, resting against the glass with his eyes closed and a gentle smile.

And furthermore, do environmentalists actually think whales have feelings? If so, we may have to offer them some counseling at the least, and more likely some white coats.

Who’s a good little Christmas whale? You are!